There's a basement

you can take a look downstairs and see how the things look in the raw—

Sunday, 19 March 2017

India Needs a New Patriotism

Patriotism needs to be downsized from its current size. It’s damn too big to be defined and even bigger and harder to put into practice. It expects you to love a country a million sq miles wide while the feeling and emotions of patriotism are probably coming from your local expereience of smoking pot at the beach in the night.

Because that’s the extent to which most people ever go. Most people won’t be traveling the length and breadth of their country, and the ones who do, probably do it to brag about it to others and mostly to themseleves. Not to fucking feel patriotic and understand the pains and joys of a billion people. For that you read.

Think about it. For most people in Mumbai, there is simply no subjective experience to feel love and oneness with someone from Chennai or Bengal. Other than the fact that we all are humans there is nothing else binding us together.

And if the common humanity is a good enough reason to be patriotic then why stop it just at the borders of India and not stretch it to all the nations of the world. A global patriot.

Nothin in the life of someone born and lived in Mumbai has any direct comparisons with someone from most other states. And the only common ground Mumbai people will share with most other cities in India is the western culture of partying, movies, hollywood etc. Nothing about that component is truly Indian at the core.

And when we take into consideration the not so urban areas in India, the situation just breaks down. Abject poverty and sharia level cultural restrictions are the norm. It’s probably more easier for the desperately poor people in india to feel some common ground for patriotism in their suffering than for the well to do. Because the cultural norms further only vary when you think about how the middle class to the rich spend their time. A millionaire gujarati won’t drink, smoke, eat non-veg nor be into casual sex while a middle class muslim guy does it. And ten other combinations are possible when you add in the marathis, tamil, punjabis and so on.

Just nothing which binds everyone together.

If you were to think about America here. The entire country speaks just the english language. Most of them do the same form of partying in their teens, most drink, smoke, eat chicken and fuck a lot of people casually. Everyone has the same options with the movies, music, books and the TV as they all speak only english, simply no market for a multi-lingual entertainment industry—india has hundreds. Why do we need to look at the skin color? Everything most Americans do all their lives is the same thing, same experiences at different age ranges of their lives. Their local level experiences are the same throughout the land. Quite easy to be patriotic.

And we are acting like we are a one united country of shared values and whatnot but we do not even have the same shared values with our next door neighbours who are vegetarian. Then we try to sell the myth of cricket and bollywood uniting us—a sport and a film industry which makes movies most in the language most of the country doesn’t fucking speak. Not happening.

Then we try to forge unity in the name of the “freedom struggle”. The irony being we would have not been a country if the british had not invaded us and brought together all the bikering nation states. India probably would have been a islamic nation had the british never come in, the mughal rule was strong in that period. And coming back to the freedom struggle—always painted as a movement all indians were a part of—in reality only one man, gandhi brainwashed people into his christian wisdom of turning the other cheek.

We did not fight at all. There was no organization which created a strong anti-british army, we did not give our blood to wrest back the nation from the oppressors at all. All we did is get beaten up with sticks by fellow indians working for the british. All while not fighting back.

All of our common ideals and values and history which is supposed to make us feel united as a country is nothing but propaganda propped by a state controlled education system. No wonder that by the time we’re adults no one really has even and inch of patriotism left in them.

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

The Cheating Woman

Guys have a weird way of dealing with infidelity. They act like they are the supreme court, trying to figure out every bit and piece in the case and then reach a final verdict as if the entire nation’s future depends on their monogamous relationship working out.

When the woman is out they call her repeatedly to ask where, with who, for what. Now I see some of them even asking for the lady’s whatsapp location. Key loggers have always been around. I think the next stage would in this love survelliance program would be to install a firewall at home, enable SSL inspection and do a packet capture. Something I’d try myself for sure. Works for the learning too.

While I understand a guy watching out for his interests with such snooping, I’d at least recommend doing it covertly without the lady of the house knowing. Once the whole thing is out in the open to where you ASK her all those above questions, you might as well walk out than listen to a female hamster spin.

And while you are conducting the one man NSA program don’t forget to draw a line on how many times you want to put in the effort.

Having said this, do you even want to know? Most guys so miss that the fact that she’s done something to make him feel as if she is cheating is enough. End it. Show her the door. It doesn’t even matter if she’s actually tasted some other dude’s cock yet! The fact that set your instincts off like that is more than enough. But most guys insist on proof, might as well wait for the video to be up on pornhub for fuck’s sake.

But it’s understandable guys wanting to hold on to the fact that they are going to be proven wrong. Let’s fact it. As a man it’s fucking hard to get women. And depending on the tons of other factors unique to your circumstances—country, income, social circle, age. Things do not become easy.

It is because of this insecurity of “not finding someone else” or “as good as her” or “the best I can do” that most guys hide behind the charade of “finding proof” that their sweetheart bae is infact sucking some side dick. They want their suspicions to be false. They need them to be false.

So how much exactly is forgivable in this? What if she lies about meeting her mom and just meets her ex bf, but didn’t “do” anything? And you find out because your friend saw her with so and so. Acceptable?

I think most men today are confused about women on the whole. They are being braninwashed with feminism’s drum banging with platitudes like “women too can just have sex”. Nope, not at all the way men can.

This is not to argue that women do not like or enjoy sex, which is the spin most feminists try to put on a position like this so they can then beat it in argument. Age old straw man theory.

I want to take this from the position that the very fact that a woman would have sex with a guy, talking about the horny-fucking-like-rabbits-sex and not the lying deadfish-i-am-here-do-what-you-gotta-do-sex which they give to their arranged marriage husbands. The very fact that she wanted to fuck a guy that much is proof of the underlying love, emotions and respect she has for him.

This is very far from the pointless pussy men can indulge in. Simply look at the biomechanics here.

Women are not built for meaning-emotion-respect less fucking. The testosterone(T) is missing. An average male has 18 times more T than the most physically fit woman on the planet. The whole feminist meme that she just saw a guy, was turned on with the abs and fucked him. Simply does not stand.

In fact there’s an entire other meme which supports this. The meme that women always end up fucking a guy in the drunk state or in an emotional turmoil. Situations in which it’s easy to work her up to the fuck. Just makes her both bold and weak at the same time making her chase the physical gratification.

A sober woman cheating simply means that the guy she ended up fucking had a sense of humor, an emotional bond was formed and there was comfort. You can throw in the looks factor in there too.

But think about it, if looks played a major role than most women would be cheating all the fucking time—simply because of the high no. of hits even an average unfuckable fat monster woman gets every single day of her life. You bet a lot of those guys are the “good looking” type however you define good looks.

But that simply isn’t how it works. An emotional bond formed over a sense of humor and wit earns a woman’s respect, lot faster than simple toned abs and stronglift shoulders.

And a woman’s sincere heartfelt attraction always comes with respect. This sounds all old fashioned and outdated now because the left liberal feminist culture has turned the narrative very well. But evolution and biology are not turned that easy.

They can brainwash the minds of people using the establishment infrastructure—schools, universities, media, NGOs, governments but human instincts which evolved over millions of years, which has kept the race alive cannot be simply turned off. That explains their repeated failure to get men all hot and crazy for the fat whales and the cock carousel riding sluts—simply not going to happened.

Getting to conscious minds of the people is easy for the left. They have huge power with the estabishment infrastructure and hence are able to get to young minds right in the schooling years. And given how most parents especially mothers are just the by products of that establishment system, the kids grow up eating all the dogma of the left having never questioned it.

At the end you have grown women all shocked and surprised when they learn in their let’s get married years that most men don’t seem to dig promiscous women.

And men who are suprised that they were afterall not so okat letting their wife fuck someone else.

The survival instinct of which reproduction is an integral part rages through a man, while his liberal indoctrinated brain fights a losing battle to remain true to the feminist dogma “women are has horny as men”.

His million year old instincts to pass on his genes to live forever through them are firing away because they see that his only at that immortality—a child through his woman is in danger. Or might not be his. This he cannot take lightly. Not in 200 BC or in 2017.

While the philosophical debate of whether our childrean are really a way to immortality will always go on, man’s survival instinct simply does not know any better. Probably why sex is so much fun and people will go to great lengths for it.

Hence the woman cheating in a relationship or the sudden feminist cultural support for open marriages isn’t about women having high libidos—not in most cases but just a setup to convince the man to remain as a productive partner while she gets the sex she really wants from the men she really respects and to convince him that her lust for the extras is just a physical gratification with no real roots in her respect and admiration.

Sunday, 26 February 2017

A Pang of Nostalgia and Apprehension

2017-02-26 22_12_49-America, Then And Now _ Chateau Heartiste

Chateau writes:

Don’t be surprised if a pang of nostalgia and apprehension arrests you. The future of your nation and your people is dying before your eyes in a swirl of solipsism and baby substitutes.

I am a big fan of his writing style. And I do feel a pang of nosta lgia and apprehension on looking at this pic. I have always loved kids, the innocence, the cooing, the smiles and the wet kisses. There’s hardly anything to not love.

But his complaint that the future of white people and America is in danger because now we have a psychotic ideology pushing women towards cubicles and boardrooms instead of cradles and breatfeeding seems headed in a wrong direction.

Obviously the pic on the right is not enough to make a judgement on the lady but keeping line with the context I’d say that if hyper liberal women swallowing the feminist dogma choose to fill their life with cats instead of babies that’s probably a good sign for the country and the world.

I don’t know what the complaint exactly is about. He daily dismantles the left liberal’s shitlibs and their anti white and anti america rhetoric and then goes to complain about the very women not having enough white babies. That’s just asking for more democrat voters.

The idea that all women should have babies is equivalent to the meme that “everyone should vote”. That is obviously a very bad idea. That would have been a good thing if every voter was a thomas sowell fan and reader. And that is never going to be a case. We already have a culture of eternal victimhood and virtue signalling in the name of the poor, women or minorities. By making sure everyone votes, most people will only fall back to voting left.

Having Children

A second line of argument to make is to ask if everyone is even fit to have kids and wants to?

It is true that children are amazing to be around and there’s a lot about them to love, but that simply does not mean everyone should go for it or that everyone should want to.

The thing with nostalgia is that the idea of the past, the good old days, always elicits an emotional response in human beings. Probably because of the simple fact that we cannot go back to it. That is no argument to claim that the past was better than the present.

And wanting kids is a even bigger question everyone needs to ask as soon as possible. Whether you replace that with cats or career is not point. In fact it would be tragic is one were to blindly follow down the parenthood road just for sake of their people and country.

Sunday, 19 February 2017

Atypical Facial Pain

That’s what they are calling it for now. Changes often.

For a long time the doctors thought of it to be Tringeminal Neuralgia. But now my third doctor, a pain management specialist has settled for Atypical Facial Pain. I was referred to him by a neurologist or a neurophysician I guess. That was my second doctor. The first doctor who I had gone to was I think a neurosurgeon. That one was a fucking whacko now that I think about it.

Makes me laugh when I see a doctor who is supposed to know a lot of health and the human body has a face like he’s been drinking and hasn’t slept. He had a tired look all the time and spoke like a drunk too. And horrible fucking talking manners, I think they are called bedside manners in doctor speak. This fucker showed no fucking sympathy to a patient who he himself diagnosed to be suffering from the world’s “worst pain”, the suicide disease.

Within two meetings he came up with a 4,00,000 rupee ($6000) radio frequency procedure for me to kill the nerves. Granted that it is probably one of those gold standard treatment options, but one would think he’ll do some more due diligence. And above all as I said, the fucker spoke in a way which hardly convinced me that he has my best interest at heart.

And anyway who does something worth $6000 without first spending some more $100s to get a second opinion.

Like this I ended up with Mr pain specialist. This guy at least seems he cares. I am aware that’s no substitute for expertise, but what the hell. You really want someone to fucking listen to what you are saying when it’s something like this happening to you. And the doc has or had a blog, not updated for a while though. But someone who writes and feels compelled to write, to me is a sign of deep thought and something genuinely sincere deep down in the person.

The Pain

There’s an entire history here now. But I think going deep diving into that doesn’t add much to the present situation. The point here and now is to share this with anyone else who might come googling the ether for something like this I am going through.

The pain initially was a nerve “tightness”, like a button sort of thing 1cm from my nose boundary on the left side of my face. I used to press that location in and massage it to feel “relief”, which doesn’t mean the pain would stop but it just soothed the tight block like feel I had.

Just like during a sore throat you keep grunting in your throat or use losenges or warm water which doesn’t stop it but soothes it for the time till you keep doing whatever you were to produce the soothing feeling.

Goes without saying this is awkward, the pain starts in any situation, at work or anywhere and you have to sit and press the nerve with your fingers and people see you doing it. Not to mention the twitch like movements you have to do with your mouth sometimes just to “hit” the “pain spot” in the nerves.

People understand sore throat but atypical nerver pain?. .Trigeminal Neuralgia? Not so much. I think it’s just best to explain it as dental nerve pain to people when they “catch” you doing that “weird” thing to soothe the pain.

The Pain Block Injection

The good pain doctor gave me a pain block injection to the nerve 1cm from nose border on the left side of my face(the pain location as explained above). It felt like the pain was in that place for a long long time. It was probably this which made and the first doc call this TN. And it is probably the location where he wanted to get the expensive radiation hit done to kill the nerve. He was also of the opinion for some reason that the block injections won’t work. And then boom. This block injection worked. The pain it seems was gone from that near-the-nose nerve spot.

This was done some 3-4 weeks back. And I have not felt much of the tight block pain button feeling in the nerve spot next to the nose.

Phantom Tooth

I don’t remeber the timeline very well, but within 1-2 days I started feeling the pain in my molar gums on the left side. This is where my pain history comes in.

The second last molar on my upper left side was the very starting point of this whole ordeal. I would feel a pain in this molar for a long time, then a series of ill advises from the dentists began. Never skimp on dentists—or any healthcare professionals. They will cost you a lot more when they fuck up. And goes without saying—Your main doctor at every step should always be the internet.

The first was a lady dentist, she did an single tooth x-ray and found no problems. Then an OPG was done. Which started a whole new tangent in the story. It showed that a lot of my wisdom teeth remained “inside” in slanted position and would probably never make it out. She recommended I fix this part first, it took me 1-2 years to get that sorted out. A surgery was done to get all those crooked wisdom teeth out from the lower left side. There was one “inside” wisdom tooth in the upper left side, which was not taken out.

Then I came back to her for my intial upper molar pain for which I had come to her in the first place.

None of the xrays showed any problem with this tooth. And still the next step suggested was root canal! (These are the points when you should go to the internet) I am not sure how much of the blame relies on them. They obviously are not trained to think through such situations, being only a local dentist! And given how complex the human body is, it’s just next to impossible for one person to even remember and think through all the many possibilities. Read The Checklist Manifesto to understand how complex things can get.

The RC was done. Nothing achieved. The tightness like tooth pain was back. Still the doctor did not think in terms of complex problems like atypical facial pain or trigeminal nerves etc etc. Nothing. She was leaning on the option of extraction. Again here I should have gone to the internet, I did not.

If anything I think during the RC, she did some “cleaning out” of the nerves using a needle like the ones used to pin paper to the notice boards. I have a feeling it just further damaged something deep inside the tooth structure near the nerves as she was pushing it deeper!. .JESUS FUCK.

At this stage I was comtemplating taking the tooth out too. And since I was losing all trust in this lady dentist who I thought screwed up my RC, in all my fucked up wisdom I went to another local dentist. Only if I knew that these local doctors don’t really have any idea or skills in critical complex medical thinking. Their entire career is just sitting down and dealing with simple cases like pulling a few obviously rotten teeth and doing some RCs in much simpler cases where a simple xray tells you there’s a problem.

And it doesn’t help that poorly trained professionals have the same human ego as anybody. Both these nut cases did not refer me to a surgeon or a specialist. They just wanted to do it themselves! It’s easy to pin this on greed and say their motivation was only money, but as already mentioned, things are very very complex when dealing with the human body and doctors like most people simply miss some things.

With him I first did a surgery to take out my upper left “inside” wisdom tooth. The required surgery also cost me the last molar on the upper left side. Now the only thing left was the initial molar on which RC had already been performed.

The tightness gripping pain simply did not stop even now that all my crooked wisdom teeth were out. I made the decision to get this one pulled as well.

And lo and behold the pain did not stop even after that.

The Pain Now

Now we’re back to the point in time since the pain block injection.

I now think the pain was always in the same space in the gums where I had the early problems with the initial molar which started the whole thing. And the RC and the extraction probably just damaged some nerve further due to excessive attempt at “cleaning out” the nerves during the RC by the first dentist and the inital upward thrust the second dentist used right before he pulled the tooth outward.

This pain later spread out to the point to the left of the nose and I felt that’s the problem area. But now after the block I feel no actual tight button like nerve block in that location at all. What I now have is a small wound like pain in inside my gums where the very first initial problem molar was.

When I try to visualize the pain I feel it to be like a ball of wound like thing inside the gums just a little inside the surface. It reminds me of those pin like insertions the first dentist used to make to “clean out” the nerves during the RC. She would rub the pin to the side wall of my hollowed tooth and at times the pin would go a little too deep and hit the nerves in the top—and it is this pain sensation I feel now in a wound like form.

This definitely must have affected me psychologically. I cannot really pin point how and in what instances, but one case comes to mind is when I read up on psychological stamps, a concept in transactional analysis. In short it means that you keep a track of things happening to you  without any reaction and then one day you “cash” them in. Like in my eg the continous non-stop pain that I am going through, I use it to justify wasting time listening to music, watching the same tv shows again etc vs let’s say studying for my career certifications. It’s kind of an rationalization enabler.

Or perhaps I really just do it to get my mind of the pain. It is much easier to do so while watching breaking bad than with say studying checkpoint firewalls.

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Don’t hate the politicans, HATE THE GOVERNMENT

Om Puri died some days back. To remember him, IndiaTV was replaying his appearance on the Rajat Sharma show AAP KI ADALAT. There the actor did what we all do every fucking day of our lives—abused the politicians. He basically called them the lying little degenerates that they usually are. All good. The people were very happy to hear it of course. Laughter and clapping broke out in my living room as well. I think in that gap of 2-5mins it was reinforced for the millons watching that clip on TV that indian politicians are scumbags who can never ever be trusted. All well and good. ..

Now comes the but, the big BUT. How is it that most Indians who so well understand the politicians are scumbags who cannot be trusted are so in favor of having the govt on their backs all day? All you got to do is bring up the topic of the govt’s monopoly in the railways, the govt ownership of MTNL and BSNL, the fact that you need to take govt’s permission to sell alcohol in a restaurant or drive a public transport vehicle, the govt control on primary and higher education which has simply destroyed our education system and by extension the nation.

You bring this point up and the initial response you get is a weird pause. Then some hesitation sort of reaction and in the end the rationalization—”it probably must be something”. The fallback to the line of thinking that “if they’re doing it, it must be something” is the curse to our indian society. It is a refusal to think and an acceptance of authority just because of the fact that IT IS THE AUTHORITY.

This is an attempt to convince my fellow indians that the SINGLE BIGGEST IMPEDIMENT to human progress anywhere in the world is the institution of GOVERNMENT. The institution of government is “a necessary evil” personified. In fact I simply cannot think of any other entitiy or object for which the phrase fits better. Right now I can almost hear the years of leftist programming shouting inside of you, here’s the antidote to kill that cancer once and for all. Well it might not kill it just now, but sure help you fight it.

The Nature of Man

Man cannot live alone. Go through your day and count how many times did you deal with a fellow man using money for exchange of his time and effort. Even better think of all those times you were desperate to buy something, maybe a bottle of water, willing to sell your fucking soul for it and found there’s no one around selling one.

That’s the simple natue of man, we contribute to society and create value in whatever form we can and get paid for it. A simple value exchange between two parties coming to an agreement out of their own volition and no force whatsoever.

This system is mostly perfect for the most part.

The simplicity of the system is what baffles most people and grips them with fear, “how could something so big and complex be so simple?” is what people keep wondering but give up midway after asking the question and never really try enough to find an answer.

The part where the system fails is when one or more actors in the system decide to “pull a fast one on joey”. This can be some unemployed kid snatching your purse after dark in the street or someone sliting your throat for your watch or a million dollar multination refusing a replacement for your under warranty malfunctioned gadget. Some of these are the criminals who want to take what you have by force and others those who went back on their mutually agreed contract with you.

As much as we enjoyed the Taken movies, in which the man personally sets out for revenge we simply cannot organize society like that.

Nature of Govt

If men were angels, no government would be necessary.
— James Madison.

Government is a monopoly on the use of physical force. Govt is the only institution in human societies which has the right to make someone comply with it at gunpoint, given to it by the people it governs.

But that doesn’t mean the govt can do so directly on its own. An objective metric has to be worked out. This objective metric is put in place by a system of checks and balances and division of duties.

The government maintains the police system to maintain law and order, the justice system in the form of courts to objectivly pass verdict and punishments and the legislature to create laws, rules and regulations aimed at bettering the society and preserve individual freedoms.

These are the internal functions of the govt within the society it governs, there is one major external function the govt must undertake and do so in the best possible manner — military. The govt must maintain a world class military to defend the country from external enemies. 

We can some more things for the govt to do, such as building infrastructure, creating a social minimum so that no citizen is afflicted with abject poverty to the point of starving, having a response team like the fire fighters, ambulances for emergencies etc. The debate on these minute policy decisions can continue.

All that given, the ideal core functions of a govt end here.

The reality is different.

Govts all over the world have taken upon themselves much more additional duties. This was never required, but they did so for political reasons which has only suited the politicians very well and no one else.

These duties range from running postal services in the US to running car manufacturer companies like hindustan motors in India while allowing no competitors within the country or from the outside of it. The former probably messed up passing around some letters and cost the american public $10billion while the latter built a third class copy of the Morris Oxford and called it the Ambassador. All this while touting about people being in the waiting line to get their Ambassadors, never mentioning that it was only so because it was the only car available in India at the time.

One might think the Indian govt might learn some lesson from that failure. That hardly seems the case though.

Today the govt still has its fingers dipped in tens of businesses, and the outcomes have been simply devastating for the economy and the society. Take for eg the Air India run by the govt of India since the 70s. From 2005 to 2016 its accumulated a loss of close to $10Billion and that’s just a round figure, the actual loss is definitely more than that. That is a 60,000 crore loss in rupee terms. Others in the same boat are govt run firms like MTNL, BSNL the BEST electricity and bus transport company in mumbai. And the biggest monster of it all The Indian Railways.

The BIGGEST scams are underway in open daylight and cost the indian society billions of dollars which could have been spent in infrastructure building, police and court modernization and the indian army. What’s more is the indian railway now runs regular death trains with a record number of train crashes every year causing 100s of deaths. All this while evident that the pvt industry has done a better job of providing all these services at the best prices.

Indians still seem to be confused though. The hindu culture of automatically respecting any authority without questioning as never given a deep thought to these economic, political philosophy and principles.

Nature of the Market

The market isn’t real.

It’s a system, or a illusion or whatever created by MAN. Created to fascilitate exchange of value for value.

No one of us can live alone, not for long anyway. To not only survive but to grow, enjoy and truly live a life takes a lot of things to be in order. That includes simple things like food, clothing, water, a house, education and complex things like medicinal research, surgery, automobile manufacture, communication technology like the internet and then there’s the fun stuff, the movies, music, books.

All this must be provided by someone for someone else. Al this must be maintained and worked upon to improve and reach it’s full potential. And that needs financing, expertise and most importantly time.

The market achieves all of this spectacularly well, it brings different people from various ethnic, religious, nationalities together together in a system to exchange whatever value they can provide and take whatever value they need—till they pay for it. Till the seller agrees to the exchange, you have a deal.

It is this magnificent system created by man that allows someone doing as rudimentary a job of cleaning and sweeping to fly in a commercial airliner like a boeing 747 or an airbus a380. The sweeper can exchange the value of his work and live through diseases like the malaria or jaundice or get access to a life saving surgery after an deadly accident.

The market brings all the skills, talents and visoins together in an exchange system which benefits all the voluntary participants. There is no force of any kind.

The most amazing accomplishment of the market is that it buys you time—time to live. Think about having to grow all the food you’d ever need by yourself. Or building a car, or even repairing one. Think of building a smartphone or the internet. In an market you don’t have to. You simply contribute in anyway you can in your own abilities and talents and you can expect an equivalent reward.

Since cybsecurity skill sets can’t really be measured and exchanged with pharmaceuticals which again has the same problem, the market uses a means of exchange—money.

To be continued..

Sunday, 5 February 2017

The Manali Edition — The Guide

I went around to Manali and Shimla with my family at the end of last year in dec.

Lots of thoughts about the trip. I did make some notes, this should be fun.

Since I plan to write this out in parts, let’s start with the guide+driver+ a cool guy who brought us lot of charas.

His name is Amar.

Amar works for some car owner guy in Delhi and my brother booked him for the Delhi to Manali drive and then the driving around in Manali itself. We had a hotel booking in the Vashist area. He picked us up at the delhi airport. The first look of him scared me, or let’s didn’t generate a lot of trust, it’s I think my natural paranoia of trusting people, least of bit drivers. It was a little hard to ascertain his muslim/hindu look from the face. His hair was medium length, not combed and hence all stayed in the downward direction and he spoke hindi with the delhi punjabi accent style.

As I got to know him he really became one of the highlights of the trip. On the delhi to manali overnight trip, on a break stop for some non veg amar offered me and brother his favourite of substances—charas. My brother actually had asked him for it before. He had became of an acquaintance with the guy by now. I had became more of a weed fan by now since I did not appreciate the cigarette mixing required with the charas. But what the hell, we smoke it up. My paranoia was still around by that time around 11PM. I had thoughts of what if he tries to rob us and here the only two men of fighting age are getting stone with him. Insanity.

Later in Manali this became a good ritual for nights at 10PM. Me, my elder brother and his wife would convene with Amar in the hotel open restaurant and light up. The view was splendid, but not visible because of the dark. The ambience was amazing, shivering cold and silent, with the mountains to our side and with dim orange lanterns above our heads, just enough light for amar to roll his professional slim but broad-at-the-end joints.

This open restaurant wasn’t a terrace but a long horizontal balcony connecting to the dinner area and the kitchen. There was a pool table outside the kitchen.

Charas was so acceptable here. Straight away it was on display how any kind of govt bans are just useless, no one gives a fuck about them when the culture has alread approved of the banned entity. People everywhere here smoked up all the time. And some were definitely shocked to see the lady with us smoking it up. Obviously the cold harsh reality of life here didn’t allow for feminism’s silly tantrums like they play out in our cities with modern technology around men who have fries and coke for dinner.

Amar had amazing viewpoints for someone who makes around 8k rupees or $120 monthly. Adding tips to that he said his final salary comes to 15-20k which is around $225. He sends some of it to his home in some village which in UP. Says he left the family home as a child and rarely visits. He has a philosophy of staying away from home so that he doesn’t get too attached, then maybe he won’t be able to leave and continue his work. And the little he has to offer them is from his work.

I couldn’t figure out if he enjoyed the work. He is always on the road, traveling between states on national highways or else taking people around locally at some tourist spot. From his finances his condition was obviously bad, he said he couldn’t save much. By the end of whole trip, after our last dinner when amar joined us at the table, the only time he did, in a quiet moment with my brother he shared something which really broke me inside when I later heard about it once we were back in mumbai.

Amar would always make excuses that he’s already eaten whenever we would offer him to join us for lunch or dinner. I took his word for it and never pestered him. I explained it away that he feels awkward probably because my parents are along that time. Then my brother told me once home that amar just tries to have only a single meal a day to save some money. This was after we just had blew over 1000 rupees or $20 at dinner that evening. My brother thought he probably came to terms with the extent of his poverty and felt like sharing this fact of his life.

I wasn’t yet able to wrap my head around the fact that he makes only 8k as official salary for the huge hours of driving on those dangerous roads. And on nights sans sleep. Uber drivers make a decent 40000 rupees by just driving 10-12 hours in the cities these days. This new detail of his life was really a lot and hit me hard inside.

This was a life of suffering. There was no doubt. He had alread decided on not getting married given his bleak financial condition. That was some really smart thinking and insight. There are just too of men in this country married too young with no financial prospects and struggling everyday with the weight of a wife and mostly a child just for some vague societal compulsion of being married by a certain age.

I previously mentioned about him having a really good worldview. His views on politics impressed me too. I took him for sort of a modi fan given his background of hanging around with hindu gurus and babas during his travels to the temples and the gurus there and such. Far from it. His views in fact matched with bill burr’s answer on the recent trump election. He told me straight out “doesn’t matter who is in power, it is you who puts the bread on your table”. While things are definitely more complex than that, too many liberals do not seem to understand the simple fact. That it’s YOU who in the end does things, not the govt or the politicians.

I think it’s just the long hours at the stearing wheel on single meal a day that does this to a man. It makes you confront reality in a way most liberals just don’t have to while they are out there with their mac books and coffee bumming off the free (probably) unsecure WIFI connection at most phoniest of outlests—starbucks.

Even as I write in the comforts of my middle class indian household bitching about the very uncomfortable chair I am sitting in, that guy is probably out there on some national highway negotiating dangerous fucking turns with a steep valley on the side and no barricades. He probably complaints too, it’s just that there’s no one to listen to it. And in all probablity he will never ever have anyone either.

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

The Day’s End

The day for me around 12AM.

That’s where I decide to call it quits for whatever it is i’m doing and going to sleep, trying to follow the wisdom of 8 hr sleep.

But for some reason my mind does not agree with me and starts playing games. One such game is “missing out on”. My mind gets into this listing mode where it wants to do more and accomplish more before going to bed. And obviously it’s already failed because like most mortals I can only do so much in a day.

I think somewhere in the back of my consciousnesss I am sad that I did not finish more of what I had planned to. And like everyone I plan a lot for a day.

Writing, running, watching my IT training videos, working on getting my career certifications and so on.

As the day starts it seems I waste a lot of it in between watching tv shows, on youtube and get very little done. The times we live our amazing but it’s strange that this one thing is become so central to it all. The laptop. I work on it, study on it, write this blog on it. And obviously my brain gives into the temptation to open and watch 1 youtube video or that one scene and the next thing you know it’s been 45mins and eyes so tired that you have go and take a break.

As the day keeps progressing you don’t get time to think of how much time you are wasting in the moment. After all who has ever questioned himself on time management in the middle of a youtube video?

But it is the day’s end when the mind has finally accepted that since it’s late there is no chance to play around but to only start>shut down. It this when suddenly it hits that nothing much was done today because the time was spent somewhere else. It this reckoning which brings sadness and anxiety.

The anxiety then asks questions. Why was that time wasted? What about that new job? Why didn’t you work on that certification instead of spending the time on a tv show? Why didn’t you go out and socialize instead of living through those perfect friendships from tv shows?

What will become of your life?